It must be just about 'that time of the month' because it seems I am crankier than usual lately!! My current state of rage is not helped by my daily journey on London's public transport systems. Let's just say a few people are very lucky they did not get clobbered today.
1. Sometimes when there are no seats on the train, I am forced to stand in some squashed corner of the doorway for the 15 minute train ride to Shenfield. Now, first of all, aren't I paying a MILLION quid a week for a bloody train ticket???? For the dear price I pay, you would think that would earn you a SEAT on the train. But no. Anyway, I've gotten over that bit. I console myself by thinking, 'well, at least you will be the first person off the train'. You would think that anyway, since I am pretty much standing pressed up against the door (sometimes I have visions that the door malfuntions and opens whilst the train is speeding down the track, throwing me to my painful death!). I might get off first, if the doorknobs who have been sitting for the past 30 minutes, didn't jump up and shove their way to the front. Sometimes I feel like pushing them out of my way, like you do when you are five.
2. The school children who ride the train and/or bus act like it's their first day out in humanity after landing in England on the raft they have been sailing on for the past 13 years of their life. Is it necessary to SCREAM conversations at each other. Don't they know I am trying to peacefully read my book?
3. I hate when people reading newspapers think that gives them the liberty to take up half the space in the cabin. Do you really need to spread the newspaper as wide as it will go without ripping? Likewise, do you need to poke me in the side EVERYTIME you turn the page (and not once say sorry).
4. I realise I get off at an obscure train stop... but I don't understand why the people who get on at that stop can't move out of the way so I can exit the train in peace. Instead I practically have to knock down people to get off the bloody train. And then, after I push through the WALL of human beings, I have to avoid being knocked down by people who are sprinting down the platform trying to get in an emptier car because they couldn't get their lazy asses there a few minutes earlier. Even worse, are the morons who fly down the stairs with no respect for people climbing up them trying to catch a train that has already started MOVING OUT OF THE STATION.
5. When lots of people get off the train at the same time and start moving down the staircase people seem to think that the hundreds of people in front of you will move along faster if they practically walk on your feet. I have visions of myself being pushed down the stairs and commuters walking over my bleeding, broken body instead of missing their train to help me.
6. BIKES ON THE TRAIN. The train is crowded in the morning. Can't you leave your bike at the station and WALK to work when you get to London?
7. PRAMS ON THE BUS. They take up enough room for ten passengers (since people seem to only buy prams the size of small cars these days).
8. I don't understand why people under the age of 20 can't sit in a seat on the bus unless they are sat next to their friends. Instead, the bus pulls up and all you can see is a wall of humans pressed against the windows and doors and you think to yourself, 'fucking hell'. But you've been waiting for the bus for 15 minutes, so you squeeze yourself on. As you're standing there, trying to stand straight as you have nothing to hold onto, you start to notice that there are about 65 seats available at the back of the bus and about half as many people standing blocking your way to the empty seats. SIT IN THE DAMN SEATS.
9. I always have about ten bags going back and forth to work. I will put them in my lap or on the floor if the bus/train is empty. However, if there are about 5 people on the bus/train, I stick them in the seat next to me. When there are 45 seats available, is it really necessary to rudely ask me to move my stuff so you can sit there. Is it a lucky seat or something?
10. This wasn't actually on the train or bus, but was in my in between snack stop, so I am counting it anyway. I go into this shop for a little bag of chips and have my money ready to pay. This woman and her two brats are choosing candy. One hasn't decided yet, so the lady tells me to go first. As I am waiting for my change, this little boy says to me, 'HURRY UP LADY'. Instead of slapping the rude bastard, the woman (WHO TOLD ME TO GO FIRST) says, 'it's not the lady's fault, it's Adam's' and the little knob says, 'YES IT IS THE LADY'S FAULT. HURRY UP LADY'. Now, if that was my child I would certainly not be buying them the chocolate bar, nor would I let it behave so rudely in a public place. This is a prime example of why some teacher's eventually end up on stress leave. Because parents let their children run the show. If that child was in my class, he would have been sitting in the detention room with no chocolate.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Thursday, June 5, 2008
A True Story of Self-Deprecation
Ok. Have you ever pined away for someone for an eternity with no result? Slept with them a million times only to get a nice 'it's been great, let's do it again'. And you think to yourself, well, they must like you. They keep calling you, don't they? But then you think to yourself... hmmmm, no one actually knows this relationship exists except for the two of you and all your dates seem confined to his bedroom... and so you begin this process of self-loathing. Yeah, I'm good enough to sleep with but apparently not good enough to be seen with in public. I'm like a hooker who doesn't even get paid. I must be ugly. No, I must be disgusting. And not only am I hideously ugly but I also have such a terrible personality that I can't even win him over with that.
Eventually, after many tears and many calls to girlfriends who are sick and tired of hearing about this tumultuous love affair, you decide OK I am going to sever ties once and for all. Perhaps you move to another town or another continent. You're off living your life. New job, new friends, new man. Life is good. You've all but forgotten about He Whose Name Shall Never Be Mentioned. Then, the icing on the cake.....
One day you're browsing on facebook and up pops a picture of HWNSNBM and his new GIRLFRIEND (by gf, I mean a person who has actually prompted him to change his facebook status to In a Relationship when the whole time you were sleeping with him it was a great big fat blinking SINGLE). And you think to yourself FUCKING EH (not to be petty or anything), I AM MUCH BETTER LOOKING THEN THIS (at least I hope so).
This is when the real self-loathing begins.
At least if new girlfriend was a searing hot beauty then you wouldn't feel THAT bad. I mean, then you would know that he just had really impossibly high standards.... But when someone is not as good looking as you then you really start to wonder do I just think I'm better looking (when really I'm not). And is my personality really SO bad that even that couldn't win him over (as clearly looks are no longer a major factor).
And then, as though you're not feeling badly enough already, you feel even worse that (a) you're sitting here writing a nasty blog about some poor girl you don't even know, (b) it affects you this much after all this time, and (c) the secret dream you've been harboring that you will lose 20 pounds, get a new haircut, and sidle back into town and win this bloke over is now clearly a pipe dream as it is quite obvious that if you couldn't win his love in 5 years and new girlfriend is no supermodel anyway then perhaps HE JUST ISN'T THAT INTO YOU.
It's a hard pill to swallow. Guess I'll need a big glass of water.
Eventually, after many tears and many calls to girlfriends who are sick and tired of hearing about this tumultuous love affair, you decide OK I am going to sever ties once and for all. Perhaps you move to another town or another continent. You're off living your life. New job, new friends, new man. Life is good. You've all but forgotten about He Whose Name Shall Never Be Mentioned. Then, the icing on the cake.....
One day you're browsing on facebook and up pops a picture of HWNSNBM and his new GIRLFRIEND (by gf, I mean a person who has actually prompted him to change his facebook status to In a Relationship when the whole time you were sleeping with him it was a great big fat blinking SINGLE). And you think to yourself FUCKING EH (not to be petty or anything), I AM MUCH BETTER LOOKING THEN THIS (at least I hope so).
This is when the real self-loathing begins.
At least if new girlfriend was a searing hot beauty then you wouldn't feel THAT bad. I mean, then you would know that he just had really impossibly high standards.... But when someone is not as good looking as you then you really start to wonder do I just think I'm better looking (when really I'm not). And is my personality really SO bad that even that couldn't win him over (as clearly looks are no longer a major factor).
And then, as though you're not feeling badly enough already, you feel even worse that (a) you're sitting here writing a nasty blog about some poor girl you don't even know, (b) it affects you this much after all this time, and (c) the secret dream you've been harboring that you will lose 20 pounds, get a new haircut, and sidle back into town and win this bloke over is now clearly a pipe dream as it is quite obvious that if you couldn't win his love in 5 years and new girlfriend is no supermodel anyway then perhaps HE JUST ISN'T THAT INTO YOU.
It's a hard pill to swallow. Guess I'll need a big glass of water.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
I Hate Cyclists.... a Love Story.
I tried to find some anti-cyclists bumper sticker saying.... but all I got on my google search was a lot of pro-cycling, 'give cyclists their space' gobbly gook. I've slowly been developping an anti-cyclist attitude, but today was the final straw. Here is why I hate cyclists:
NUMBER 1 - When you are driving on the road, cyclists weave in and out of cars. Are they not aware that their bicycle does not actually show up in the blind spot. Nor can a driver SENSE a cycler sidling up beside them. This is how accidents happen.
NUMBER 2 - Despite driving on the road with the cars and thus, one would assume, meant to follow the same road rules as cars, cyclists have their own rules. Simply put, they make up the rules as they see fit. For example, if a car has a green light, the cyclist also has a green light. If a car as a red light, the cyclist still has a green light. The cyclist ALWAYS has the right of way. Don't mind the pedestrians who have the crossing light. Run over them if you have to.
NUMBER 3 - At the train station there is a cyclist parking lot. This would be fine except for the fact that to get into the parking lot, the cyclists often cut through the bus lane (thus, unexpected) and then swerve in front of pedestrians into this car park. Bastards.
NUMBER 4 - A bicycle is nowhere near as fast as a car. This becomes obvious when, for whatever reason, there is not enough room to drive your car past the cyclist without hitting them. Wait til they catch me on a bad day.
NUMBER 5 - I once had a near death experience caused by a cyclist. I was driving my car on this twisty road and an 18 wheeler swerved to miss a cyclist thus putting itself RIGHT IN MY LANE. I had to swerve my car off a road that had no bloody shoulder to avoid being creamed by a massive truck who was trying not to hit cycling man.
NUMBER 6 - Cyclists who drive on the sidewalk (English translation... pavement). Now, number one, you are meant to be driving on the road. Thus, if you decide to ride your bike on the sidewalk, then you should be prepared to stop and let pedestrians pass. NOT DRIVE YOUR BIKE DIRECTLY INTO THEIR PATH. For example, today I am walking home. I'm tired. I've had a long day. I am on foot. A cyclist approaches driving like a mad man. I figured he'd move so I continue along. The cycle continues to come towards me. I had to press myself up against a wall to avoid being hit. THEN a second cycle comes whizzing up behind the first and practically knocks my handbag off my shoulder. This is unacceptable. I wouldn't drive my car on the pavement (well, not on purpose) and you shouldn't drive your bicycle (unless you are about 8, at which point it is acceptable providing you do not knock down any pedestrians).
Now, I am all for healthy living and all that jazz. However, I don't think it should be had at the expense of my own LIFE! All I ask is that cyclists practice a little common sense, obey the rules, and please wear a helmet (if I hit you, or knock you off your bike with my bat, I don't want to see your brains splatter across the pavement).
NUMBER 1 - When you are driving on the road, cyclists weave in and out of cars. Are they not aware that their bicycle does not actually show up in the blind spot. Nor can a driver SENSE a cycler sidling up beside them. This is how accidents happen.
NUMBER 2 - Despite driving on the road with the cars and thus, one would assume, meant to follow the same road rules as cars, cyclists have their own rules. Simply put, they make up the rules as they see fit. For example, if a car has a green light, the cyclist also has a green light. If a car as a red light, the cyclist still has a green light. The cyclist ALWAYS has the right of way. Don't mind the pedestrians who have the crossing light. Run over them if you have to.
NUMBER 3 - At the train station there is a cyclist parking lot. This would be fine except for the fact that to get into the parking lot, the cyclists often cut through the bus lane (thus, unexpected) and then swerve in front of pedestrians into this car park. Bastards.
NUMBER 4 - A bicycle is nowhere near as fast as a car. This becomes obvious when, for whatever reason, there is not enough room to drive your car past the cyclist without hitting them. Wait til they catch me on a bad day.
NUMBER 5 - I once had a near death experience caused by a cyclist. I was driving my car on this twisty road and an 18 wheeler swerved to miss a cyclist thus putting itself RIGHT IN MY LANE. I had to swerve my car off a road that had no bloody shoulder to avoid being creamed by a massive truck who was trying not to hit cycling man.
NUMBER 6 - Cyclists who drive on the sidewalk (English translation... pavement). Now, number one, you are meant to be driving on the road. Thus, if you decide to ride your bike on the sidewalk, then you should be prepared to stop and let pedestrians pass. NOT DRIVE YOUR BIKE DIRECTLY INTO THEIR PATH. For example, today I am walking home. I'm tired. I've had a long day. I am on foot. A cyclist approaches driving like a mad man. I figured he'd move so I continue along. The cycle continues to come towards me. I had to press myself up against a wall to avoid being hit. THEN a second cycle comes whizzing up behind the first and practically knocks my handbag off my shoulder. This is unacceptable. I wouldn't drive my car on the pavement (well, not on purpose) and you shouldn't drive your bicycle (unless you are about 8, at which point it is acceptable providing you do not knock down any pedestrians).
Now, I am all for healthy living and all that jazz. However, I don't think it should be had at the expense of my own LIFE! All I ask is that cyclists practice a little common sense, obey the rules, and please wear a helmet (if I hit you, or knock you off your bike with my bat, I don't want to see your brains splatter across the pavement).
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