It seems to be a common misconception (world wide) that all Canadians live in igloos and ride on sleighs. Thus, being a Canadian, I should not mind the cold English winter days.
Excuse me while I break out my bikini.
If I were to take a map and draw a straight line between where I live in England and where I lived in Canada...... it would pretty much be at the same line of latitude, suggesting a very similar climate. People seem confused when I tell them this.
Apparently, when compared to Canada, England has a warm climate.
Thus, when I am shivering and bundled up on a cold day, people question me, as though being a Canadian means you have built up some sort of protective shield against cold weather.
This said, while I am roaming the streets in layers and winter gear, the English girls are strutting about in SHORTS over flimsy "tights" and tank tops. Call me crazy, but I think I would rather be warm than scantily clad trying to get laid. What good will it do you when you land in hospital with hypothermia?
I am also finding this winter particularly harsh due to the fact that heat is not included in my rent. This means, in the interest of saving some money, I can only heat my apartment for 2 hours each day. 2 hours each day!!!! This coming from a girl who contributed to the demise of the ozone layer by blasting the heat from October to May. Needless to say I wear many layers in my flat and dress and undress with haste!
Next time I choose a location it will be much further South. See you in Hawaii.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Friday, November 23, 2007
Canadian School Teacher Takes out Bus Load of English Teenagers
Nothing in this universe makes my day more miserable than riding on the London bus system. This is not because I am a snob who turns my nose up at the bus (though I would perfer a luxury sedan), but rather because the bus clientele during peak hours are the most detestable human beings on this earth..... teenagers!
Now, you would think that a bunch of 13 year olds in suits and ties would conduct themselves with some sort of decorum and respect for others. Well, I would think that anyway. Do not be fooled by the posh clothes. These little people are absolutely wretched!!!!!!
Not that I was a model citizen when I was a teenager, but I at least had some manners and respect for my elders (a concept which seems to go right out the window upon one's 12th birthday). I certainly would never behave, on a public bus, the way these children behave.
Where do I begin? How about the fact that, despite being a mere inch from their friends, they seem to feel the need to SCREAM entire conversations? Or the, seemingly, absolute necessity of inserting a swear word a minimum of four times per sentence? Or, I don't know, having a shoving match with one's mates on a VERY CROWDED bus?
These things alone usually have me going 20 minutes out of my way to take a train with a much more respectable crew of professional adults who do not scream, push, or swear excessively. However, this morning, having managed to leave the flat early (a rare occurence!) and facing a 30 minute wait on a cold platform for said train, I decided to get to work early via bus.
On the bus, after being sandwiched between 300 (well, maybe not 300, but way above the limit!) screaming teenagers, I someone managed to become a victim in a bottled drink fight. Yes, that's right, riding on the bus to work (and having paid a FARE for said tortureous bus ride), I someone manage to have juice or fizzy drink or some other sort of cold beverage POURED ONTO MY HEAD from the second deck. Luckily I didn't manage to see the culprit. Otherwise I may be facing prison time for murder right now.
What really irks me, though, is that teenagers are NOT REQUIRED TO PAY A FARE! That's right, they are riding the public bus system for free! While myself, and people like me (that is other professionals, adults, and pensioners) are required to pay to ride the bus with these poor excuses for human beings. I have to pay money to listen to ridiculous language, get knocked about by 13 year old boys having a shoving match, have children screaming all around me, and get sticky substances poured onto my hair.
Am I missing something?
The London Transport website claims that the fare is free providing said benefactors "should always act sensibly and treat others as you would like to be treated". Likewise, their free travel privilages are meant to be withdrawn if they conduct themselves in any 'anti-social' manner including (but not limited to) "Putting your safety or the safety of others at risk" (Hello? Shoving people around on a crowded bus; throwing things...), "Use of offensive or threatening language"; and "Behaving offensively, bullying or threatening others" (I was more than slightly offended when cold drink was POURED ONTO MY HEAD).
That's great London Transport. Great rules. WHO THE HELL IS ENFORCING THEM? Not once have I seen a bus driver even address any of said issues (although a bus driver onces came out of his protective booth to ask to see MY ticket that I paid for not two seconds earlier.... because I am clearly the rebel on the bus). I rarely see a bus driver pass by a bus stop because the bus is overcrowded (usually they just cram more and more of these lunatics onto the bus to the point where people are falling out the door when it opens). I've never seen anyone come onto the bus and pull off these idiots (despite the fact that, today, they were SPRAYING their drinks out the windows onto people on the sidewalk and throwing bottles out the windows (which at least counts as LITTERING!).
For Christ's sake... no wonder they continue to behave like demons! If I was never punished for anything I would keep on doing too! Why even bother making up RULES if no one is going to enforce them! Throw the brats in a jail cell for a few hours (might wake their over indulged asses up!); keep them from participating in after school activities; TURN OFF THE DAMN FOOTBALL!; ground them! THIS IS NOT A DIFFICULT CONCEPT.
If we are never meant to learn our actions have consequences, how do we grow up to be responsable adults?
I was doubly cranky about this incident because, due to the fact that these kids like to ride one stop and get off, the bus stopped so many damn times I got to work (with soggy, sticky hair) at exactly the same time I would have if I took the train. Go figure.
Now, you would think that a bunch of 13 year olds in suits and ties would conduct themselves with some sort of decorum and respect for others. Well, I would think that anyway. Do not be fooled by the posh clothes. These little people are absolutely wretched!!!!!!
Not that I was a model citizen when I was a teenager, but I at least had some manners and respect for my elders (a concept which seems to go right out the window upon one's 12th birthday). I certainly would never behave, on a public bus, the way these children behave.
Where do I begin? How about the fact that, despite being a mere inch from their friends, they seem to feel the need to SCREAM entire conversations? Or the, seemingly, absolute necessity of inserting a swear word a minimum of four times per sentence? Or, I don't know, having a shoving match with one's mates on a VERY CROWDED bus?
These things alone usually have me going 20 minutes out of my way to take a train with a much more respectable crew of professional adults who do not scream, push, or swear excessively. However, this morning, having managed to leave the flat early (a rare occurence!) and facing a 30 minute wait on a cold platform for said train, I decided to get to work early via bus.
On the bus, after being sandwiched between 300 (well, maybe not 300, but way above the limit!) screaming teenagers, I someone managed to become a victim in a bottled drink fight. Yes, that's right, riding on the bus to work (and having paid a FARE for said tortureous bus ride), I someone manage to have juice or fizzy drink or some other sort of cold beverage POURED ONTO MY HEAD from the second deck. Luckily I didn't manage to see the culprit. Otherwise I may be facing prison time for murder right now.
What really irks me, though, is that teenagers are NOT REQUIRED TO PAY A FARE! That's right, they are riding the public bus system for free! While myself, and people like me (that is other professionals, adults, and pensioners) are required to pay to ride the bus with these poor excuses for human beings. I have to pay money to listen to ridiculous language, get knocked about by 13 year old boys having a shoving match, have children screaming all around me, and get sticky substances poured onto my hair.
Am I missing something?
The London Transport website claims that the fare is free providing said benefactors "should always act sensibly and treat others as you would like to be treated". Likewise, their free travel privilages are meant to be withdrawn if they conduct themselves in any 'anti-social' manner including (but not limited to) "Putting your safety or the safety of others at risk" (Hello? Shoving people around on a crowded bus; throwing things...), "Use of offensive or threatening language"; and "Behaving offensively, bullying or threatening others" (I was more than slightly offended when cold drink was POURED ONTO MY HEAD).
That's great London Transport. Great rules. WHO THE HELL IS ENFORCING THEM? Not once have I seen a bus driver even address any of said issues (although a bus driver onces came out of his protective booth to ask to see MY ticket that I paid for not two seconds earlier.... because I am clearly the rebel on the bus). I rarely see a bus driver pass by a bus stop because the bus is overcrowded (usually they just cram more and more of these lunatics onto the bus to the point where people are falling out the door when it opens). I've never seen anyone come onto the bus and pull off these idiots (despite the fact that, today, they were SPRAYING their drinks out the windows onto people on the sidewalk and throwing bottles out the windows (which at least counts as LITTERING!).
For Christ's sake... no wonder they continue to behave like demons! If I was never punished for anything I would keep on doing too! Why even bother making up RULES if no one is going to enforce them! Throw the brats in a jail cell for a few hours (might wake their over indulged asses up!); keep them from participating in after school activities; TURN OFF THE DAMN FOOTBALL!; ground them! THIS IS NOT A DIFFICULT CONCEPT.
If we are never meant to learn our actions have consequences, how do we grow up to be responsable adults?
I was doubly cranky about this incident because, due to the fact that these kids like to ride one stop and get off, the bus stopped so many damn times I got to work (with soggy, sticky hair) at exactly the same time I would have if I took the train. Go figure.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
Since I spend approximately 2.5 hours each day riding on trains and sitting on train platforms, I figured it was only right to comment about them.
I have a love/hate relationship with the One train system (for example, when my train is delayed for a ridiculous amount of time for no apparent reason when I have to be somewhere in twenty minutes). Of course, the train is never delayed when I am early or on time.
I have also learned about the infamous PAGE THREE GIRL - a big boobed hoe who appears naked on page 3 of the free newspaper thrusted into the hands of commuters as they plough up the stairways. What is most interesting abou the page three girl (did I mention she appears in a free morning NEWSPAPER?) is that page three seems to stay open longer than page 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, etc. (Some English blokes have informed me this is because the best articles also appear on page 3). Right.
Another thing I enjoy about the train is that when I train stops at a major station, all these people SPILL out of it, and proceed to descend the staircases (god forbid we install LIFTS or ESCALATORS) in a line straight across the staircase. This would be fine, if people were not trying to climb up the staircase, towards the departing train that they must catch to get to their stop on time. Short of pushing people down and trampling over them, it really is quite the puzzle to get up those stairs in one piece.
I also enjoy when, on a train during the morning/evening rush (when you know it will be standing room only) people take an aisle seat -forcing people to climb over them to get a seat on the train. Once I saw a woman, on a full train with one empty seat beside her, get all huffy because someone tried to take the empty seat). Please.
I am going to write a book on train etiquette.
1. Please take a window seat, especially if you know the train is going to be full of London bound commuters.
2. Please leave space on the staircase for those people who are scrambling to get up to their train on time.
3. PUT YOUR GARBAGE IN THE BIN - there is one next to practically every seat, why are you leaving it on the floor?????
4. Do not place all 65 of your bags on the one bench on the platform. Call me crazy, but maybe someone wants to sit there? I am sure your Monsoon bag will be fine on the ground.
5. When you get on the train, and there are twenty people behind you, do not stop right inside the door. Move the fuck in!
6. Please do not SCREAM into your mobile. The other 400 commuters do not care what you are doing this weekend or when you will be landing in Clacton.
7. Please do not throw yourself onto a train track in front of the one train that will get me to work on time. I'd appreciate it.
I have a love/hate relationship with the One train system (for example, when my train is delayed for a ridiculous amount of time for no apparent reason when I have to be somewhere in twenty minutes). Of course, the train is never delayed when I am early or on time.
I have also learned about the infamous PAGE THREE GIRL - a big boobed hoe who appears naked on page 3 of the free newspaper thrusted into the hands of commuters as they plough up the stairways. What is most interesting abou the page three girl (did I mention she appears in a free morning NEWSPAPER?) is that page three seems to stay open longer than page 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, etc. (Some English blokes have informed me this is because the best articles also appear on page 3). Right.
Another thing I enjoy about the train is that when I train stops at a major station, all these people SPILL out of it, and proceed to descend the staircases (god forbid we install LIFTS or ESCALATORS) in a line straight across the staircase. This would be fine, if people were not trying to climb up the staircase, towards the departing train that they must catch to get to their stop on time. Short of pushing people down and trampling over them, it really is quite the puzzle to get up those stairs in one piece.
I also enjoy when, on a train during the morning/evening rush (when you know it will be standing room only) people take an aisle seat -forcing people to climb over them to get a seat on the train. Once I saw a woman, on a full train with one empty seat beside her, get all huffy because someone tried to take the empty seat). Please.
I am going to write a book on train etiquette.
1. Please take a window seat, especially if you know the train is going to be full of London bound commuters.
2. Please leave space on the staircase for those people who are scrambling to get up to their train on time.
3. PUT YOUR GARBAGE IN THE BIN - there is one next to practically every seat, why are you leaving it on the floor?????
4. Do not place all 65 of your bags on the one bench on the platform. Call me crazy, but maybe someone wants to sit there? I am sure your Monsoon bag will be fine on the ground.
5. When you get on the train, and there are twenty people behind you, do not stop right inside the door. Move the fuck in!
6. Please do not SCREAM into your mobile. The other 400 commuters do not care what you are doing this weekend or when you will be landing in Clacton.
7. Please do not throw yourself onto a train track in front of the one train that will get me to work on time. I'd appreciate it.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
The Right Of Way
I was nearly run over this morning.
I was walking to the train station to catch and absurdly early train (so early I don't even think the sun had come up yet... gross). I get to a street (not even a street, really, more like a lane), look both ways, see nothing, and proceed to cross the road. As I am halfway across a car comes SPEEDING down the road and comes to a stop approximately half and inch from my thigh. And then BEEPS at me as though I have been standing in the way for at least 5 minutes.
EXCUSE ME?
Is anybody in such a rush that A. They can't obey speed limits on a highly pedestrianized street (hello train station; commuters..... duh); B. Cannot apply the brake at a reasonable time which would allow them to stop a polite distance from tired WALKING commuter; and C. Cannot pause for TEN SECONDS while commuter finishes crossing the road.
I WAS THERE FIRST.
This is especially disturbing considering I, at the moment, have no medical insurance.
And I still have no idea WHO HAS THE RIGHT OF WAY.
I was walking to the train station to catch and absurdly early train (so early I don't even think the sun had come up yet... gross). I get to a street (not even a street, really, more like a lane), look both ways, see nothing, and proceed to cross the road. As I am halfway across a car comes SPEEDING down the road and comes to a stop approximately half and inch from my thigh. And then BEEPS at me as though I have been standing in the way for at least 5 minutes.
EXCUSE ME?
Is anybody in such a rush that A. They can't obey speed limits on a highly pedestrianized street (hello train station; commuters..... duh); B. Cannot apply the brake at a reasonable time which would allow them to stop a polite distance from tired WALKING commuter; and C. Cannot pause for TEN SECONDS while commuter finishes crossing the road.
I WAS THERE FIRST.
This is especially disturbing considering I, at the moment, have no medical insurance.
And I still have no idea WHO HAS THE RIGHT OF WAY.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Please Place Your Order at the Bar (and it will be served to you at your table)
It's supper time. I'm hungry. I go into a pub-ish kind of place for some grub and take a seat at a table which already has a menu. I figure out what I want and wait for someone to come take my order. And wait. And wait........
This is about the time my friend notices the sign - Please Place Your Order at the Bar (and it will be served to you at your table).
The service industry here is thisclose to nonexistant. Yesterday, a BK clerk yelled at a woman because she was questioning him about her order. THAT HE FORGOT TO RING IN!
Yes, BK. BK, McDonalds, KFC, Pizza Hut - there are more of them here than there are in a typical American city. And they are CRAP!
After pounding pavement in London all afternoon, I popped into the Liverpool Station McDonalds to grab a burger before heading to the train. It was possibly the longest que I had every seen at any McDonalds establishment. However, there were more employees at this particular McDonalds than any other McDonalds I had ever been to, so the cue moved fairly quickly. I get up to the front, order a Big Mac, and pay the £4 (multply that by two for it's approximate Canadian value of $8 - for the SANDWICH), then make my way to an empty seat to chow down. I took one bite and......
I wanted to vomit.
The bread was stale, the burger unexplanatory, and the sauce was missing something..... But as I looked around me, hundreds of suit-clad people were clearly enjoying their tasteless, over-priced Mcdonalds' feasts - when they could pop into any pub in England and, after placing their order at the bar, sit back with a cheap beer and chow down on cheap, authentic, DECENT TASTING English food.
Let's just call it a fast food universe.
This is about the time my friend notices the sign - Please Place Your Order at the Bar (and it will be served to you at your table).
The service industry here is thisclose to nonexistant. Yesterday, a BK clerk yelled at a woman because she was questioning him about her order. THAT HE FORGOT TO RING IN!
Yes, BK. BK, McDonalds, KFC, Pizza Hut - there are more of them here than there are in a typical American city. And they are CRAP!
After pounding pavement in London all afternoon, I popped into the Liverpool Station McDonalds to grab a burger before heading to the train. It was possibly the longest que I had every seen at any McDonalds establishment. However, there were more employees at this particular McDonalds than any other McDonalds I had ever been to, so the cue moved fairly quickly. I get up to the front, order a Big Mac, and pay the £4 (multply that by two for it's approximate Canadian value of $8 - for the SANDWICH), then make my way to an empty seat to chow down. I took one bite and......
I wanted to vomit.
The bread was stale, the burger unexplanatory, and the sauce was missing something..... But as I looked around me, hundreds of suit-clad people were clearly enjoying their tasteless, over-priced Mcdonalds' feasts - when they could pop into any pub in England and, after placing their order at the bar, sit back with a cheap beer and chow down on cheap, authentic, DECENT TASTING English food.
Let's just call it a fast food universe.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Greetings From the Other Side
I have managed to find free internet in Chelmsford. I am now one of those internetless losers I used to make fun of when I worked at the library. Someone please ship over my PC.
Obviously I have made it to England in one piece, though my feet might disagree, seeing as I am now car-less for the first time since I was sixteen (BLARGH!); I walk approximately 12 hours of the day. When I get back to Canada you will not even recognize me I will be so thin and posh.
Today someone on the street asked me for directions. I must look like a real Brit! Oddly enough, despite the fact that I spend about 4 hours a day trying to get unlost, I knew the way to the place they sought. Wicked.
Sadly, as I have no friends, I have no one to share all my crazy episodes with. I am going stir crazy!
Obviously I have made it to England in one piece, though my feet might disagree, seeing as I am now car-less for the first time since I was sixteen (BLARGH!); I walk approximately 12 hours of the day. When I get back to Canada you will not even recognize me I will be so thin and posh.
Today someone on the street asked me for directions. I must look like a real Brit! Oddly enough, despite the fact that I spend about 4 hours a day trying to get unlost, I knew the way to the place they sought. Wicked.
Sadly, as I have no friends, I have no one to share all my crazy episodes with. I am going stir crazy!
Thursday, August 30, 2007
T MINUS 4 Days
" It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife."
Apparently, it is also a truth universally acknowledged that a single woman, in possession of a good fortune, a not-so-good fortune, or no fortune at all, must be in want of a husband.
Apparently, it is also a truth universally acknowledged that a single woman, in possession of a good fortune, a not-so-good fortune, or no fortune at all, must be in want of a husband.
BECAUSE GOD FORBID WE GO THROUGH LIFE WITHOUT A HUSBAND!
I'm moving to England on Monday. When I tell people that I am moving to England, 90% of the time this declaration is followed by something along these lines:
"You will meet a great guy in England and come back married".
"Everyone I know who moves to England comes back married."
"I know a girl who moved to England and now she is married with kids."
I hope no one is terribly disapointed when I come back from England as single as the day I left.
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