Since I spend approximately 2.5 hours each day riding on trains and sitting on train platforms, I figured it was only right to comment about them.
I have a love/hate relationship with the One train system (for example, when my train is delayed for a ridiculous amount of time for no apparent reason when I have to be somewhere in twenty minutes). Of course, the train is never delayed when I am early or on time.
I have also learned about the infamous PAGE THREE GIRL - a big boobed hoe who appears naked on page 3 of the free newspaper thrusted into the hands of commuters as they plough up the stairways. What is most interesting abou the page three girl (did I mention she appears in a free morning NEWSPAPER?) is that page three seems to stay open longer than page 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, etc. (Some English blokes have informed me this is because the best articles also appear on page 3). Right.
Another thing I enjoy about the train is that when I train stops at a major station, all these people SPILL out of it, and proceed to descend the staircases (god forbid we install LIFTS or ESCALATORS) in a line straight across the staircase. This would be fine, if people were not trying to climb up the staircase, towards the departing train that they must catch to get to their stop on time. Short of pushing people down and trampling over them, it really is quite the puzzle to get up those stairs in one piece.
I also enjoy when, on a train during the morning/evening rush (when you know it will be standing room only) people take an aisle seat -forcing people to climb over them to get a seat on the train. Once I saw a woman, on a full train with one empty seat beside her, get all huffy because someone tried to take the empty seat). Please.
I am going to write a book on train etiquette.
1. Please take a window seat, especially if you know the train is going to be full of London bound commuters.
2. Please leave space on the staircase for those people who are scrambling to get up to their train on time.
3. PUT YOUR GARBAGE IN THE BIN - there is one next to practically every seat, why are you leaving it on the floor?????
4. Do not place all 65 of your bags on the one bench on the platform. Call me crazy, but maybe someone wants to sit there? I am sure your Monsoon bag will be fine on the ground.
5. When you get on the train, and there are twenty people behind you, do not stop right inside the door. Move the fuck in!
6. Please do not SCREAM into your mobile. The other 400 commuters do not care what you are doing this weekend or when you will be landing in Clacton.
7. Please do not throw yourself onto a train track in front of the one train that will get me to work on time. I'd appreciate it.
