The Perils of the Gladiator Boot

Don't get me wrong, I think the gladiator sandals are cute. In fact, I own a pair! But the gladiator sandals have morphed into something more extreme. The gladiator boot.

There are many versions of the gladiator boot, each as hideous as the first. Basically, the gladiator boot began as a gladiator sandal that morphed into something much more extreme.

What I think it most disturbing about the gladiator boot, is all the holes and crevices for fat calves to hang out of (because you know someone with chunky calves is going to buy these boots). Really they remind me of something a monster would wear in a horror movie.

But when you think about it, the gladiator boot is probably more historically realistic than the gladiator sandal. I mean really, can you picture big, burly gladiators heading off into a war with flimsy little sandals on their feet? Most likely they wore boots just like these! Their big, muscular calves bulging out of all the little crevices. A rash forming where sweat has gotten stuck behind all the leather bits. Later, after the war, the gladiators would peel the leather gladiator boots from their bloody, war-torn skin. A real sexy image. However, most drawings depict gladiators wearing sheilds strapped onto their shins (just imagine if this had become the trend!!! you would see all these skinny, petite fashionistas trying to haul themselves around with shields heavier than they are strapped onto their scrawny legs!).

Anyway, as I was doing my normal patrol of the mall today (or whatever you English folk want to call the place with all the shops), I spied the gladiator boots in a high end shoe store. I think you have to see it to believe how ugly it really is. This particular boot had ties up the front (like the kind of boots Goths wear) and in the back it had a big zipper!!!! I wanted to try it on just for a laugh (but didn't, because the bitches who work at this shoe store look like they have never had a laugh in their whole lives). This made me think about what people might wear with the gladiator boots (this summer's sexiest accessory).

Some ideas:

Gladiator Boots + a Prom dress (just don't trod on your date's feet)

Gladiator Boots + Hot Pants (distract wandering eyes from your cellulite)

Gladiator Boots + A String Bikini (a sexy twist on beach ware)

Gladiator Boots + Five Sticks of Black Eyeliner (see the Olsen twins for inspiration)

Oh yes.... have I mentioned the average price of the Gladiator Boot? For this shockingly hideous footware, be prepared to shell out in excess of 60 quid. A real bargain.

It's in the Small Print ... (and other bullshit)

Is it just me, or are more and more companies relying on the phrase 'well it IS in the small print' to get away with robbing dutiful citizens of their hard-earned money?

Case in point:

I joined this fitness emporium one holiday when I was feeling particularly elephantesque. They signed me up for all this crap, charged the usual fees, blah, blah, blah. So there I am signing on the dotted line for my THREE-MONTH membership babbling on about how I only plan to do three months because I might be moving back to my homeland while this knob of a 'customer service rep' smiles at me (because really he's thinking 'I might go on a holiday with the commission I am making off you). Anyway... flash to three months later (during which I may have visited this gym three times total). I've paid for my three months and I am now thinking I am done with this gym....

Right.

I check my account on the 1st of the month and the damn gym has taken out another payment for a fourth month. So I ring them up, explain nicely that I don't want a fourth month, could I please have my money back? Well, no, I can't have my money back because the payment has already gone through. FURTHERMORE I am expected to come in to the gym to sign a form to cancel my membership (this is the three month membership I have signed up for that, it turns out, is actually not for three months but for an unspecified length of time).

So I trot down to the gym shortly after this phone call only to be told that I need to make an appointment to cancel my membership (they apparently could not divulge such confidential information on the telephone). At this point I may have slightly lost my temper on the bimbo blonde desk girl with the spider-leg eyelashes (that much mascara should be illegal). The only thing this girl is apparently able to say, however, is 'well, it IS in the small print'.

Right.

The next day I reappear at this gym (really, I've now visited more as a non-member than a member!) for my appointment with a 'manager' (one of many people hired to deal with cranky customers but not an actual manager). I state my case, get the fine print crap again, blah blah blah. Then this guy tries to SELL ME AN EXTENDED MEMBERSHIP! I'm standing there pissed off, on the verge of enraged, trying to cancel this bloody membership when I was clear I didn't want to go past three months (you would think that would be a good time for the sales rep to mention the cancellation policy....) and this greasy loser is trying to SELL ME something. Then I was really pissed. And to top it off, I had to tell the guy THREE TIMES I wasn't interested.

Now here is the real icing on the cake....:

Because I did not cancel my membership by the last day of the month, I am now expected to pay for a FIFTH month! I come down there less than twenty four hours after the day and am expected to dish out 40 quid more for being one day late.

FUCK OFF.

Anyway, after my account was charged this fourth payment, I did have a look at the fine print. What I discovered (as I suspected I would), is that is it IMPOSSIBLE to understand. There are so many 'except when' or 'in the case of' or 'excluding clause 4' that no human being who didn't spend time in some sort of law school could possibly be expected to decipher the damn thing. I don't consider myself to be thick, but seriously. Not to mention the fact that you practically need a magnifying class to read the small print (because it really is SMALL).

I really don't understand why guy number one (who, consequently, disappeared into employee quarters when he saw me walk through the door to cancel my membership) couldn't take ten seconds out of his busy schmoozing day to inform me of the cancellation policy. PARTICULARLY when we were sitting there discussing how I may possibly move back to Canada in July (I guess he thought I would want to keep paying for a gym membership from abroad?). I also don't understand why chick on the phone could not inform me that I needed to make an appointment to cancel my membership on the phone instead of waiting until I walked twenty minutes to get there so she could inform me in person. Nor do I understand why fake manager guy thought it would be appropriate to try to sell me a membership when I was clearly pissed off at the company as a whole.

Is customer service really that difficult a concept (I mean, they all have customer service something or another stamped onto their nametags)? Clearly the commission outweighs customer satisfaction.

At the end of my 'appointment' (which basically means the fake manager guy accepted that I wouldn't be buying anything from him and signed the damn form) he gave me a number of another 'manager' to contact. His exact words were 'ask for so-and-so, he is good at dealing with these types of issues' (which to me clearly indicates I am not the first person to experience dissatisfaction with the cancellation policy).

The moral of the story (and this is for sales reps everywhere): take the TEN FREAKING SECONDS to clearly articulate your company's cancellation policy. It's not hard.

But this is what really kills me.... you know that if the same thing happened to these pricks who can't be bothered to tell you how it is, they would be right in there yelling and screaming about how their rights have been violated in some way.

All I have to say to this company as a whole is FUCK YOU.