A man once complained about women who wear trainers with their 'otherwise pristene' work outfit on the tube. He believes all women should commute in sky high stilettos. Here is my response to him.
1. Generally (and in most aspects of my life, since I am taller than the average female) I wear flat shoes or boots when commuting. Occasionally, I will pop on my trainers and change into these cute black wedges that I keep under my desk for such days. This is not because I want to ruin an otherwise fashionable outfit. Nor is it because I really like trainers. This is because I would like to get to work by walking at a reasonable pace without sore feet or a broken ankle.
2. From my flat's door to my classroom door I must walk ten minutes (at a very brisk pace, considering I am always late) to the train station, dodge random stoppers, sprint up 3 flights of stairs, hop on a train, hop off a train, dodge more commuters, sprint down one flight of stairs, meander through a short corridor, sprint up another flight of stairs, grab a coffee, hop on a train, hop off a train whilst shoving morons out of my way, walk briskly down a train platform, up another flight of stairs, through the station, out the door, onto a bus, stand on the bus (because there are never any seats), hop off the bus, and walk 5 more minutes to my classroom. Then I must stand on my feet ALL DAY. Then repeat the same process over again. Does this sound like a journey fit for high heeled shoes?
3. Have you spent even 5 minutes in heels? Didn't think so.
4. Once I wore these high-heeled Italian leather boots to work a half day. By the time I got home I had to peel my socks off. They were stuck to my feet. WITH BLOOD.
5. Do you think I care what you think I look like?
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Why Soundproofing Blocks of Flats is a Good Idea
Some people might think it is mean to write about your neighbours. But I doubt mine will ever read this, so I am doing it anyway!!! These people don't live next door to me, but rather directly above me, thus I have much insight into their most private affairs. This is not by choice, but rather a disadvantage of living in a block of flats that I believe was meant to be a two story house. Hence the complete and utter lack of soundproofing. That said, there are two sets of people who live above my flat though, with the exception of ONE party in December, I have never seen or heard the other member of this lovely block of flats.
I call this entry - Why My Neighbours Annoy Me:
#1 - The night we moved in (after living in a bed and breakfast and sharing a room for a month) we hear a knock at our door. Our landlord opens the door to reveal an older man who looks like he has just crawled out of the grave. Seriously. The man proceeds to ask us to keep the noise down as we have woken his small children (seriously, he could be my grandfather) with all our banging. Our landlord tells him off in a screaming exchange. That night I dream I am being murdered by the old man.
#2 - Despite his request for utter and complete silence. The ammount of NOISE from their flat is ridiculous. For some reason they stomp around, run up and down the stairs, and have replaced talking with screaming. Not to mention the two small children...... which brings me to my next point.
#3 - These children do not just cry. They SCREAM. At the top of their lungs. For hours on end. Perhaps this is because mum's response to their screaming is to scream back at them.
#4 - They leave their massive stroller right in front of the entrance to the flat. They've seen me, they know I'm not that thin.
#5 - They have the grossest sex in the universe. Because I live directly below them, I have had the unfortunate opportunity to hear them copulating on several occassions. This is wrong on so many levels. First of all, the girl is about my age. The man is about my granddads.... Enough said. Secondly, they make gross noises! Like grunting, and panting, and yuck yuck yuck!!!! The first time I heard it I thought the old man was dying! Most disturbing of all, they sometimes communicate with the children DURING sex. Once mum screamed out (in the middle of the grunting and moaning) 'Mummy's ok, Mummy's ok'. I had a hysterectomy that day.
I call this entry - Why My Neighbours Annoy Me:
#1 - The night we moved in (after living in a bed and breakfast and sharing a room for a month) we hear a knock at our door. Our landlord opens the door to reveal an older man who looks like he has just crawled out of the grave. Seriously. The man proceeds to ask us to keep the noise down as we have woken his small children (seriously, he could be my grandfather) with all our banging. Our landlord tells him off in a screaming exchange. That night I dream I am being murdered by the old man.
#2 - Despite his request for utter and complete silence. The ammount of NOISE from their flat is ridiculous. For some reason they stomp around, run up and down the stairs, and have replaced talking with screaming. Not to mention the two small children...... which brings me to my next point.
#3 - These children do not just cry. They SCREAM. At the top of their lungs. For hours on end. Perhaps this is because mum's response to their screaming is to scream back at them.
#4 - They leave their massive stroller right in front of the entrance to the flat. They've seen me, they know I'm not that thin.
#5 - They have the grossest sex in the universe. Because I live directly below them, I have had the unfortunate opportunity to hear them copulating on several occassions. This is wrong on so many levels. First of all, the girl is about my age. The man is about my granddads.... Enough said. Secondly, they make gross noises! Like grunting, and panting, and yuck yuck yuck!!!! The first time I heard it I thought the old man was dying! Most disturbing of all, they sometimes communicate with the children DURING sex. Once mum screamed out (in the middle of the grunting and moaning) 'Mummy's ok, Mummy's ok'. I had a hysterectomy that day.
Friday, March 21, 2008
A Beginners Guide to Online Dating
Some tips for those of you who are fed up with trying to find dates whilst wandering the mean streets and have resorted to online dating.
There are many types of men who use online dating sites. Here are some of the more noteworthy:
The Newbie - The newbie has only recently signed up for online dating and is still not 100 % sold. He needs to be treated with the utmost care, as he is easily frightened. He may not be ready for a face to face meeting for weeks.
The Horny Guy - The online dating world is overpopulated by the horny guy. This man is looking for one thing and one thing only. Sex. Sometimes he will let you know right away (i.e. 'Hello, my name is _________. You alright? What's your favourite position?). At other times the horny guy will attempt to disguise his true intentions while feeling you out with sly innuendo.
The Single Dad - The single dad has usually only recently broken up with his significant other and has one, two, or even three children. His profile usually dedicates a paragraph to how much he loves his children and most of his profile pictures showcase his bundles of joy. If the single dad has had a rough break up a paragraph may often be included letting all prospective girlfriends know what a bitch his ex is and how she has ruined his life.
The Chav - The chav usually has children but does not admit it. Actually, he might admit it, but unless you speak chav, you will not be able to read his profile.
The Cynic - The cynic has recently been through a series of bad relationships. He often blames women for his dating problems and includes a long list of the qualities he does not appreciate in a woman. He will include phrases like 'You women are all the same' in his initial ice-breaking chats which are also peppered with other unfriendly references towards the female species. He will be offended when you decline his request for a date.
The Foreigner - The Foreigner is a common species on the online dating sites. He speaks limited English and sometimes his messages are difficult to interpret. He usually comes on very strong from the beginning, leaving you to wonder if he is looking for a date or citizenship through marriage.
The Model - This is a man who puts up shots of 'himself' looking like he is posing for a catalogue. He will write a fairly obnoxious profile to go with it. The model will never ever meet you face to face.
The Penpal - The penpal is not looking for a real girlfriend. Rather he is interested in a cyber girlfriend to meet for chats online at regular intervals. It is quite possible that the Penpal is too fat to leave his home, so has no other choice.
The Template Guy - This guy has written a long winded initial contact message that could be the opening pages of a romance novel. Problem is, he sends this same message to every girl with a pulse on the site. Sometimes, if he's forgotten, he will send you the same message more than once.
The Stalker - The stalker believes he knows you personally and intimately after looking at your profile. He will send you an initial message saying how wonderful you are and how he is the man you are looking for. When you don't respond, he will periodically send you other messages asking how you have been or insinuating that you must be busy lately since he has not heard from you. The stalker will inform you how much he likes you, even though you've never spoken.
The Long-Term Guy - This man believes that, because you have accepted a date with him, you are now in a relationship. Throughout the date he will make references to things you will do in the future (i.e. 'maybe Saturday we can meet my best friend ________ and then next week we'll head down to Leeds'). This is before you even get through your appetizer.
The Phony Romantic - The phony romantic will loudly declare his romantic intentions in his profile (i.e. 'for a first date I will take a lady on a romantic midnite picnic and then a walk by the water' or 'my lady better have a passport bc I like to jet off to Paris or Rome for dinner'). He will probably take you for a drink at his local pub then try to sleep with you.
The Sugar Daddy - The sugar daddy is a 40 + man who only messages 20 year olds. He will tell you that he is young at heart, makes a six figure salary, and has homes in various cities around the world.
There are many types of men who use online dating sites. Here are some of the more noteworthy:
The Newbie - The newbie has only recently signed up for online dating and is still not 100 % sold. He needs to be treated with the utmost care, as he is easily frightened. He may not be ready for a face to face meeting for weeks.
The Horny Guy - The online dating world is overpopulated by the horny guy. This man is looking for one thing and one thing only. Sex. Sometimes he will let you know right away (i.e. 'Hello, my name is _________. You alright? What's your favourite position?). At other times the horny guy will attempt to disguise his true intentions while feeling you out with sly innuendo.
The Single Dad - The single dad has usually only recently broken up with his significant other and has one, two, or even three children. His profile usually dedicates a paragraph to how much he loves his children and most of his profile pictures showcase his bundles of joy. If the single dad has had a rough break up a paragraph may often be included letting all prospective girlfriends know what a bitch his ex is and how she has ruined his life.
The Chav - The chav usually has children but does not admit it. Actually, he might admit it, but unless you speak chav, you will not be able to read his profile.
The Cynic - The cynic has recently been through a series of bad relationships. He often blames women for his dating problems and includes a long list of the qualities he does not appreciate in a woman. He will include phrases like 'You women are all the same' in his initial ice-breaking chats which are also peppered with other unfriendly references towards the female species. He will be offended when you decline his request for a date.
The Foreigner - The Foreigner is a common species on the online dating sites. He speaks limited English and sometimes his messages are difficult to interpret. He usually comes on very strong from the beginning, leaving you to wonder if he is looking for a date or citizenship through marriage.
The Model - This is a man who puts up shots of 'himself' looking like he is posing for a catalogue. He will write a fairly obnoxious profile to go with it. The model will never ever meet you face to face.
The Penpal - The penpal is not looking for a real girlfriend. Rather he is interested in a cyber girlfriend to meet for chats online at regular intervals. It is quite possible that the Penpal is too fat to leave his home, so has no other choice.
The Template Guy - This guy has written a long winded initial contact message that could be the opening pages of a romance novel. Problem is, he sends this same message to every girl with a pulse on the site. Sometimes, if he's forgotten, he will send you the same message more than once.
The Stalker - The stalker believes he knows you personally and intimately after looking at your profile. He will send you an initial message saying how wonderful you are and how he is the man you are looking for. When you don't respond, he will periodically send you other messages asking how you have been or insinuating that you must be busy lately since he has not heard from you. The stalker will inform you how much he likes you, even though you've never spoken.
The Long-Term Guy - This man believes that, because you have accepted a date with him, you are now in a relationship. Throughout the date he will make references to things you will do in the future (i.e. 'maybe Saturday we can meet my best friend ________ and then next week we'll head down to Leeds'). This is before you even get through your appetizer.
The Phony Romantic - The phony romantic will loudly declare his romantic intentions in his profile (i.e. 'for a first date I will take a lady on a romantic midnite picnic and then a walk by the water' or 'my lady better have a passport bc I like to jet off to Paris or Rome for dinner'). He will probably take you for a drink at his local pub then try to sleep with you.
The Sugar Daddy - The sugar daddy is a 40 + man who only messages 20 year olds. He will tell you that he is young at heart, makes a six figure salary, and has homes in various cities around the world.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Things That Make Me Grind My Gears (The Short List)
1. When people stand on top of me in a queue, or just in general.
Exhibit A: I am leaning against a pillar at a tube station. There is loads of space as a tube has just come and taken the bulk of the crowd away. A group of women arrive and stand near me. By near me I mean on top of me. One lady hit me with her purse FOUR times and didn't notice once. Meanwhile, there is enough room to the right, left, and front of them for half an army. I felt like pushing her out of my way.
Exhibit B: I am standing in a queue. The man behind me is standing so close to me he is physically touching me. I inch forward to give myself some space. So does he. I inch forward again. So does he. At this point I am now practically standing on top of the person in front of me.
2. When people get off the train or an escalator and then just stop.
Inevitably they are going to glare at YOU when you run into them.
3. When people walk across the sidewalk in 5 across, forcing you to walk on the street.
Why should I get hit by a car because you are too lazy to move out of the way. When I am in a really bad mood I just plough through the middle. Just because I don't have any friends does not mean I should have to walk on the street with the cars.
4. When people have loud pointless conversations on their mobile in public places just to hear themselves speak.
I don't care what you bought at the Tesco, what you're making for supper for the next four weeks, or when you are giving your child a bath. Nor do I need a running commentary of everything that is happening on the bus/train/street. I don't care if your ex boyfriend is now dating someone else in India, which you only know because you are stalking him on facebook. Please hang up and call back when you don't have 400 people listening to every word you're saying.
5. When women do their make up on the bus/train.
Seriously? Get up 5 minutes earlier.
6. When people are playing their Ipods so loudly I can hear the music at the back of the bus.
Not only is it annoying, but the human ear was not designed to listen to music that loud. You are going to go deaf. I am glaring at you for your own good.
7. When men make rude remarks as you walk down the street.
Has this EVER worked?
8. When people swear excessively in public.
This does not include the odd swear word in a public venue. We're all guilty of that. I am talking about the people who insert a swear word after every single non swear word in their conversation. Do you think you sound cool?
9. When people spit.
There is nothing grosser than looking down on the sidewalk at a big wad of spit. If you cannot resist the urge to spit, please do it off to the side in the grass or something, so I don't have to look at it. Frankly it makes me want to vomit, and I don't think YOU want to see that.
10. When people stand on top of me and smoke.
Why should I have to move to avoid second hand smoke. If you must do it, please move off to the side.
11. When middle class white people try to act like 50 Cent.
Please note, that the older you get the sadder this syndrome becomes.
12. When people throw their garbage all over the train.
There is a bin after every other seat. Get off your lazy ass and put your garbage in it.
Exhibit A: I am leaning against a pillar at a tube station. There is loads of space as a tube has just come and taken the bulk of the crowd away. A group of women arrive and stand near me. By near me I mean on top of me. One lady hit me with her purse FOUR times and didn't notice once. Meanwhile, there is enough room to the right, left, and front of them for half an army. I felt like pushing her out of my way.
Exhibit B: I am standing in a queue. The man behind me is standing so close to me he is physically touching me. I inch forward to give myself some space. So does he. I inch forward again. So does he. At this point I am now practically standing on top of the person in front of me.
2. When people get off the train or an escalator and then just stop.
Inevitably they are going to glare at YOU when you run into them.
3. When people walk across the sidewalk in 5 across, forcing you to walk on the street.
Why should I get hit by a car because you are too lazy to move out of the way. When I am in a really bad mood I just plough through the middle. Just because I don't have any friends does not mean I should have to walk on the street with the cars.
4. When people have loud pointless conversations on their mobile in public places just to hear themselves speak.
I don't care what you bought at the Tesco, what you're making for supper for the next four weeks, or when you are giving your child a bath. Nor do I need a running commentary of everything that is happening on the bus/train/street. I don't care if your ex boyfriend is now dating someone else in India, which you only know because you are stalking him on facebook. Please hang up and call back when you don't have 400 people listening to every word you're saying.
5. When women do their make up on the bus/train.
Seriously? Get up 5 minutes earlier.
6. When people are playing their Ipods so loudly I can hear the music at the back of the bus.
Not only is it annoying, but the human ear was not designed to listen to music that loud. You are going to go deaf. I am glaring at you for your own good.
7. When men make rude remarks as you walk down the street.
Has this EVER worked?
8. When people swear excessively in public.
This does not include the odd swear word in a public venue. We're all guilty of that. I am talking about the people who insert a swear word after every single non swear word in their conversation. Do you think you sound cool?
9. When people spit.
There is nothing grosser than looking down on the sidewalk at a big wad of spit. If you cannot resist the urge to spit, please do it off to the side in the grass or something, so I don't have to look at it. Frankly it makes me want to vomit, and I don't think YOU want to see that.
10. When people stand on top of me and smoke.
Why should I have to move to avoid second hand smoke. If you must do it, please move off to the side.
11. When middle class white people try to act like 50 Cent.
Please note, that the older you get the sadder this syndrome becomes.
12. When people throw their garbage all over the train.
There is a bin after every other seat. Get off your lazy ass and put your garbage in it.
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