The Perfect Man

After years of dating/entertaining/sleeping with the wrong men... I have compiled a list of qualities that I would like in my perfect man....

- A nice head of hair (this is almost impossible to find in England, where the bald gene has seemingly taken over). I would also like to be able to run my fingers through it, not flinch in pain when I am literally scraped by your stiff hair (too much product, anyone?)

- The ability to dress himself, without any female influence, in clothes that are from this decade and sexy. Once a guy showed up for a date in tapered jeans..... I never saw him again. If only that were the WORST fashion victim (flashback to boy in purple shorts, made of like a windsuit material, and no shirt; and I still slept with him (when I was younger and stupider!!!! But still not in the 80s, when these shorts were in style).

- The body of Cristiano Ronaldo.... not grossly muscly, but clearly fit. If I were waking up next to that every morning.... lemme tell ya!!!!

- Nice teeth. I really can't say anything about this one. It's just a hang up.

- A mostly drug-free lifestyle. Maybe he has experimented with drugs in his past, but at this stage in his life no longer needs drugs to function normally. This is not to say the odd night out with the boys is unacceptable. Rather, the perfect man can have sex OR EVEN A CONVERSATION without getting stoned beforehand. Furthermore, unless he is some sort of a collector, the perfect man does not have in excess of 3 pipes, bongs, or other drug paraphenalia. After your very early 20s, being a pot head is no longer normal. The perfect man will not take any hard drugs, either. I would like to have the perfect children.

- A career. There are many things I do not consider to be a career. You may think this makes me a snob. I think it makes me realistic about my financial security. The perfect man will have spent just as long as I have in Uni to get where he is in the world and will make more money than me.

- A brain. I would like to be able to hold an intelligent conversation with my man beyond one or two major interests of his. Talking about scuba diving for two hours doesn't cut it.

- A Bit of Fight. I do not want to date a doormat. I like a man who can spar with me!!! This is not to say that I want to be beaten up by a man, but rather I would like to be with someone who challenges me, rather than lets me have it my way ALL THE TIME. It's nice to get what you want. It's nicer to know you worked for it!

- The perfect man will not be a cheater. There are more cheaters out there than you think! I know this because I have been with many of them. They love their girlfriend but, apparently, not enough to avoid looking in other directions. Some 'cheaters' never actually do anything physical with another woman, but instead send sneaky messages over the internet for months on end to other women telling them how much they want to have sex with them. This is even worse. It tells me that not only is your man slimey.... he's also spineless. The perfect man will know that I am more than enough for him and won't cast his eyes or his penis elsewhere.

- He will be at least 6 feet tall.... Let's face it, I am a big girl and I want a man who balances me out.

- That said, he will be proportionate. I don't want a tall man with a small dick!!!!!

- A sense of humor. The perfect man and I will have intelligent conversations, but we can also sit down and have a laugh at a stupid television show or joke. He will also get my sense of humor.... which is questionable at times.

- The perfect man will be well-travelled and up for much more. We will go to exotic places together and, when we have the perfect children, we will take them to fun and interesting places as well.

If you see this man, please contact me ASAP. I am not as young as I used to be.